12 Jan

A Bumpy Ride Into 2012


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I’m entering into 2012 all discombobulated.

Like when the train doors suddenly open on the platform and the throng of people push relentlessly, puking you out into the station leaving you flapping your arms like an idiot trying to determine if all of you, and your stuff made it out in one piece.

There I am all blinky from the bright lights, my head swinging from left to right trying to figure out where the heck I am, searching for signs that indicate how to get out, and wondering what the f*ck getting out would look like.

It’s not usually like this. I usually look forward to the New Year. ‘Fresh Start’ and all that.

But this year just isn’t starting out on the right foot.

My dad died in December. My father-in-law passed away two weeks later. Yep, that sucks. Big time.

I’ve gained weight. Sure, in the big scheme of things, it is neither a lot of weight, nor is it a big deal, but it’s persistent and it’s pissing me off. I said to Jason today: “I haven’t weighed this much in all the time you’ve known me”. He says: “Yep, but you haven’t been this old either”. Helpful. No?

My work project is out of control. I feel completely overwhelmed and in over my head. Oh yeah, and I still have a day job. Not good for a girl whose goal is to quit her day job and move overseas.

And what about that Responsibly Irresponsible plan? What have we done to that end? Where is that going?

Happy. New. Year.

I’m not one to brood. For long. I believe that we can all change. Either our situation, or our attitude, so I need to take some of my own medicine and get-to-it.

Can’t change the dad thing; but I can take solace in that I am my dad’s daughter. I have his spunk, and attitude and outlook on life. All he ever asked me is ‘are you happy?’. He never asked ‘what the f*ck are you doing?’, ‘what makes you think that’s a good idea?’, ‘have you thought about…?’ Just ‘are you happy?’ He was proud of me; of who I am, of where I’ve been, of how I manage myself. I’m lucky to have had that. Grief will take it’s own sweet time.

I can lose weight. I can’t change how old I am (Jason!) but I am generally a healthy eater and working out is not only weight control for me but also stress relief so will help me on many fronts. So, better eating and more running are in my future.

Work. Well, it’s not time to quit…yet. So I need a better action plan. I once worked myself crazy on a project, and swore I would never do it again, so I’m marching into my bosses office this week and declaring myself done – we need to come up with a better plan. I think it’ll go well…I just need to swallow my pride and do it.

And so, what about that Responsibly Irresponsible plan? Actually, we did pretty okay this year. We moved from our home town to a new city, got new jobs, a new apartment and are learning about very. slow. travel. This year we need to focus on the future plan. What is that going to look like? Where will we go? What will we do there? When will it happen? What’s holding us back?

Whew! Well, thanks for the therapy session. I feel better. Now I feel like I can tackle 2012 and give it it’s due.

PS…sorry about the swearing.

10 thoughts on “A Bumpy Ride Into 2012

  1. Wow, that’s a lot to digest. And I thought I had a rough ending to 2011. I’m learning this year to be more gentle with myself and give myself a break from all my crazy expectations. Sounds like you have the right attitude, just give it time. Good luck and here’s hoping for a better rest of the year!
    Carmel recently posted..Grown-up Mac and Cheese

  2. Wow Gillian – they say (whoever they are) that the 3 most stressful events in life are death of a family member, change of job or financial position, and marriage……….you ran the gamut PLUS for 2011. That’s a whole lot to take in, and adjust to, and just listen to you, you are always upbeat, even about being downbeat :) I agree with Carmel……..it’s just about giving it time, as cliche as that sounds.
    I have to admit I did a wee chuckle when I first started to read your post, because with plans to visit Japan this year you will feel right at home – your story sounds just like a Japanese train ride experience……..you just have to add the directional train station sign that says “exit for party”……….I can send visual proof if you think I am kidding!!!! Hang in there…..the road might get bumpier before it smoothes out.

  3. Oh, Gillian! I had no idea about J’s dad. Not unexpected but still very sorry for the both of you. Give yourself a moment to catch your breath and don’t be hard on yourself. You are an amazing, beautiful, smart woman. You will always have the original Informatics girls on your side. Thinking of you and miss you.

  4. Thanks for sharing your thoughts… this is very personal and kudos to you for being so self aware. You serve as constant inspiration to me and this is no different. Big hugs to you… life will work out the way it’s supposed to.
    Glenda recently posted..Direction of my heart

  5. Some years are just like that – a horror show but then life somehow goes on, you smile more, you see things differently, you adjust – and time is the only healer.

    I am so sorry to hear about both fathers passing – that’s a lot for both of you.

    Screw the lousy forecast this Sunday – sounds like you need to have a semi epic day in the mountains on snowshoes – everything looks different when you have that good kind of physical exhaustion.
    Leigh recently posted..Travel Photo Thursday: Scenes from Tanzania and Malawi

  6. I’m so sorry to hear about your fathers – how awful – and so close together. My mother passed away eight years ago and I can still remember how difficult it was at the time. I hope 2012 moves along better for you – good luck with the weight loss and everything else you want to accomplish this year. You have the right attitude and that will take you very far! =)
    Andrea recently posted..Losing Weight After a Year of Travel

  7. Dear Gillian,
    Besides both going to WDS this year, I share with you something else in common. Both my mother (suddenly) and my mother-in-law (gradually) passed away also right around the new year. A double dose of grief. I want to pass on a great article I just read on the subject of death by @Lesism. http://lesism.blogspot.com/2011/08/death.html I hope to meet you at WDS this year!

    • Thank you Vicki – that is a great article. I’m so sorry that you, too, are suffering such grief with the loss of your mother and mother-in-law. Grief visits in weird ways but so too does great comfort.

      I hope to see you in Portland!

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