I’m in a funk. I’m struggling and can’t seem to get a handle on why. I’ve been feeling it rise for quite some time but have been unable to stem the tide. I feel so far away from everything I want to feel and, right now, it feels more like a Giant Chasm than a Giant Step from here to there.
My eyes are often full of tears.
I realized the other day that this is the first time in my entire life that I am not sure that everything is going to work out okay. Every step I’ve taken before now has always, in my mind, had a guarantee of success. Yes, there have been plenty of sacrifices and lots of hard work, but I’ve always known that it would out; that the work and sacrifice would pay off and that I would end up exactly where I thought I would. The path has always been paved and I just had to follow it.
My heart is filled with doubt and fear.
I don’t feel that way right now. I’m not entirely sure that the work we’re putting in and the sacrifices we are making are going to result in success. I’m not even sure I know what success would look like. Right now we seem to just be keeping our heads above water; our path isn’t clear but we’re dog-paddling through hoping that some island will appear on the horizon. Our island. The one with a big, flashing, sign over it.
My head says to just push through it.
I knew it wouldn’t always be easy. I knew there would be days like this. Weeks like this. But months like this?
This is the hard part, right? This is the part where we just have to put our heads down and get it done. Push through. Wait it out. Identify what we’re missing and work toward the pieces that we know will help.
We made a list; make more money, find a nice place to settle for a while, make friends.